So help me…
Posted by nelsson on August 4, 2009
I am relatively new at blogging and I will start with what is arguably the worst thing I can do to attract attention:
Talking about myself.
I think I like talking about myself. I like sharing my problems and my ideas with others and I realise this can be boring or even annoying. At this point in my life, I feel as though it’s better to write things down (in a foreign language) so I can take a step back and analyze what the heck I’m doing. So why share it with the world? First of all, the ‘world’ in this case is probably limited to about ten people who already know me and with whom I’ve had many interesting conversations over the years, or months, depending on how long they’ve known me. Secondly, I will try to explain why I sometimes act like an asshole and why I moan about feeling down all the time. I’m only beginning to understand a little bit, so for deeper analysis I am turning to a psychologist. Tomorrow is my second appointment there. I hope she can help.
Maybe I’m not making any sense, but I will get better at this.
I have been struggling with anxiety and depression. I am not sure of this, I have never been diagnosed with any psychological illness, but to me it’s clear something is wrong with me. I find it hard to be alone, yet I also feel uncomfortable when there’s more than, say, 5 people around. I get scared. I feel small. When I walk down a city street I am afraid of, well, people. That sort of thing. I don’t know how to act on the streets or in a train. I don’t want to interact with others. I stay at home because it’s the easy thing to do. I’m just too scared to make a simple train ride to a friend somewhere, though I know that if I do, I won’t panic and I will get there safe and sound. This may sound really weird, it certainly does to me, but that’s the way I feel now. I am down most of the time, I just feel sad and sit around, making some music, doing nothing in particular. I’m not grumpy or disrespectful towards others, just sad. It’s a feeling I’ve come to cherish, I don’t think sadness is necessarily a bad thing, but it’s become too easy to just say ‘I’m sorry, I’m not coming over for your birthday because I feel really awful today’. I want answers.
I’ve been screwing up a friendship over the course of the last year. Not intentionally, of course, but I’ve done some things that are rather stupid. I knew what I was doing and still I went on ahead with it. It’s mind boggling to me. I hope this friendship can be restored, but it’s really up to him to take the first step.
So, there it is: me. Ah well.